Communication Breakdown

This question splintered off from the previous one about Michael throwing things, including his bottle.

Q: Michael (16 months) throws things because he gets frustrated that we don't understand him. It's written all over is face. The problem is that he throws his bottle along with his toys, and we can't not give that back to him.

A: [I'm going to respond to the issue of Michael's frustration at not being able to communicate his needs. See the previous post to find out how to handle throwing.]

I recommend that you teach Michael a few basic baby (sign language) signs. "Drink" is just putting your c-shaped hand to your mouth as though you're lifting a cup to take a sip. Here are some instructional videos:





Do it every time you ask him "do you want a drink," or when you give him his bottle and say "here's a drink." He'll pick it up in no time. Then he can tell you when he actually wants his bottle, and the rest of the time you don't have to give it to him after he throws it.

I also recommend teaching him the sign for "all done." Then maybe instead of throwing his food or his bottle, he'll just tell you he's finished and you can take it away. This was the first sign I taught my daughter, Eliana. She picked it up within a week or two, at only 9 months old! I may have a video of Eliana signing "all done," but I'd have to look for it. In the meantime, here are two videos demonstrating the sign ("all done" and "finished" are interchangeable):






Here are some cute videos of children demonstrating the sign for "drink."





As you can see, these children are not mimicking the signs 100% correctly. Some kids are more advanced, more coordinated, or simply older than others, so their signing is more accurate, but that's not important. What's important is that they are communicating, and are able to get what they need without all the frustration and ensuing tantrums (or even pointing and grunting).

Kids are just a LITTLE more advanced than cavemen. (Take that, Harvey Karp.)

[Actually, I love Harvey Karp and think his children-as-cavemen philosophy i brilliant and often spot-on. But the cavemen evolved, and that's what we want our children to do too.]

P.S. I know this is a commercial, but it's a pretty amazing example of how many signs a baby (only 12 months old) can learn!

Throwing (food, toys, pretty much anything)

Question #1: The Question That Started It All:

Q: Any advice as to how to teach Michael (16 months) to eat the avocado and not fling it around the room?


A: Take it away the first time he throws it. Take him out of his high chair too. Try giving him avocado again another time. It can take 20 tries for a kid to get to like a new food. But he has to learn that throwing is NOT acceptable behavior. If he's throwing food that means he's not hungry and he does not get to sit at the table with you anymore.

Two days later, I received a follow-up question:

Q: Could you perhaps advise us on how to get Michael to stop throwing things out of his Pack 'n' Play?


A: You have three choices:

1) Attach the toys to the Pack n' Play. (I used a pacifier clip to attach Eliana's blankie to her crib sheet b/c she'd throw it out of her crib when she didn't want to nap, and then COULDN'T nap because
she didn't have a blankie!) Obviously, if you're going to do this, you have to use something very short that will not present a strangling hazard.

2) Put a crib tent over the Pack 'n' Play. Then he can throw as much as he wants, nothing's going to go anywhere.

3) Just don't give the toys back. If he learns that throwing toys results in no toys rather than a game of fetch with Mommy or Daddy, he should get the message pretty quickly.

Options 1 and 2 are "quick fixes" that will solve the immediate issue of your having to run and get the toys for Michael every time he throws them. "Quick fixes" are useful when you're traveling, visiting, busy working, or otherwise unable to drop everything and teach a lesson right then and there. But in general you want to choose the educational route. Option 3 will actually educate Michael and (if you are consistent with it), eventually prevent him from repeating the behavior.

I'm also going to add as an aside:

4) Go outside and play ball with Michael. He clearly loves to throw. Let him get some good throwing in during the day. Teach him that throwing is acceptable, good, clean fun - in the appropriate setting. Balls are for throwing. Toys and food are not. Offer him an outlet for his throwing fixation. If he has the opportunity to spend time throwing in a fun and accepting environment, he may feel less of a need to throw at other times.

Q: But he throws his bottle as well, and we can't not give that back. We would be willing to try that approach with the other toys, but I think giving him back his bottle but not his toys might send mixed signals.


A: I don't think you should give his bottle back either. Just like I said about his dinner: if he throws it, he doesn't want it. Pick it up and put it away.

You can give him his bottle 5-10 minutes later, but don't give him the instant gratification of getting it back as soon as he throws it. If you wait awhile, he will not associate your giving him a bottle with the fact that he threw it earlier.