Potty-Training: The Timer Trick

A friend was visiting the other day. She's the mother of an infant and has no experience with potty-training. My Ami (2 1/4) woke up from his nap, during which he still wears diapers. I took his diaper off and after 20 minutes or so I told him it was time to go to the potty. (He's still at the stage where if I don't remind him, he's likely to have an accident.)


Ami is cranky when he wakes up from his nap. He wasn't having any of it. He refused.

My friend asked "How can you make a kid go to the potty if he doesn't have to [or more likely just doesn't want to] go?"

I went and got the kitchen timer. I set it for two minutes. I said "Ami, when the timer rings, we're going potty."

He was not impressed.

I tried to distract him. I said "Listen, the timer's going tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick." (Usually he loves that.)

He said "Timer NOT go tick-tick-tick."

I walked away.

When the timer rang, Ami slid out of his booster seat and dashed to the bathroom!

When we're at the mall, I do the same thing, except I set the alarm on my phone and I let him hold it till it rings.

If for some reason this doesn't work, you can also use the timer trick another way. Set it for one minute and say "Let's just sit on the potty until the timer rings and then we can go play." He might squirm or even cry, but if you can keep him there for a minute, chances are he'll do his business while he's waiting for the timer to ring.

I can't promise this will work with every kid, but it works with mine.

How Kids Think

Kids make the funniest connections in their minds. Sometimes it's a struggle (a hilarious one) to figure out how they jump from one topic of conversation to another. I wish I had written some of these conversations down.

Here's an example, though I have no idea what said child was actually thinking:

My friend was reading a book to his daughter (age three). He pointed to a giraffe and asked her what it was. She said "Microwave."

Clearly this child knows the difference between a giraffe and a microwave. What's going on here?

Probably something like this:

Giraffes are yellow.
So are bananas.
Bananas are food.
We cook food in the microwave.

Voila.

The Great Pacifier Debate

Q: I am against pacifiers big-time, especially since kids seem to hold on to them until they're 4, 5, 6 or older these days. My husband thinks I'm exaggerating and worried for nothing.

My eldest child, Katie, is 3.5 and has had a pacifier since she was 3 months old. From the age of one we have limited it to bedtime and naps.

We prepared her to get rid of her pacifier when she turned three and would be a "big girl," but when the day came my husband insisted she wasn't ready so we waited. A few months later Katie said "Let's have a party." We collected all the pacifiers, sang bye-bye to them, had cake, an it was finished! Or so I thought.

That night she was hysterical. We tried giving her toys and treats, staying in the room with her, nothing worked. It's been like this for a few weeks and I just don't know what to do.

I'm guessing that part of the problem is that Katie's brother, who is less than a year younger than her, still has a pacifier. The two are joined at the hip an think they are twins. I think he should give up his paci too, but my husband says I'd be "punishing" him by making him give it up at only 2.5!

Advice?????



A: There are two camps when it comes to pacifiers.

1) It's bad for kids' teeth and it looks ridiculous. Pacifiers are for babies.

2) Pacifiers fill an emotional need. If you take it away before they're ready, they're going to react/act out in some other way or just find something else to attach themselves to for comfort instead of the pacifier. Let your kid keep her pacifier for as long as she needs it. Eventually she will give it up on her own.

Until I heard position #2, I was a strong advocate of position #1. I still believe a pacifier should be gotten rid of at around a year, when dentists recommend it. Kids at this age should be able to soothe themselves to sleep and it's much easier to take it away when they're younger than if you wait till they're older. When they're young it's just a tool. When they're older it's almost a part of them.

Of course, this is irrelevant to you because your kid are long past that stage. So let's deal with the here and now.

You are absolutely correct that you're not going to be able to get Katie to give up her paci if her brother still has one. And at 2.5, he is old enough to get rid of his. Anyway it's best to deal with this all in one fell swoop - why have to do it all over again with him in a few months?

Unfortunately the bigger issue here is convincing your husband. Just like in my last post, this is not as much a parenting question as it is a marriage question. It is still partially a parenting question because you're still struggling with exactly how to get rid of Katie's paci, but it's more a marriage question because if you and your husband were both on the same page it would be a whole lot easier to make a plan and stick to it.

In general with questions like these in which the parents are at odds about how to approach a parenting issue, I say you have to pick your battles. But you NEED to get rid of Katie's paci. Dentists say a baby should not have a paci past a year old. Pacifiers can cause speech problems and recurrent ear infections. I suggest you collect some articles outlining these facts and present them to your husband. Tell him "To you it's not a big deal for Katie to keep her pacifier, but that's because you don't know the facts. Here are the facts. We need to do what's best for our kids, and we are starting today. I'm happy to discuss other aspects of parenting with you and come up with compromises, but when it comes to their health, if there is a clear-cut answer about what is better for them, we have to do what the research says."

Now, you're still going to have to deal with Katie's emotional attachment to her pacifier. She might become clingy, or weepy, or obstinate. She is definitely going to need a lot of love, attention, cuddling and understanding. One thing you have on your side is that your two kids have each other. If they're anything like my kids, Katie might be so busy taking care of her little brother and telling him "Don't be sad, it's OK, you can do it" that she'll forget about her own plight!

There's a good possibility that Katie will feel the need to replace her pacifier with a different comfort object. You'll probably be annoyed if she does, but I say let her do it if that's what she needs to feel secure. At least it won't be ruining her teeth. She'll get rid of her comfort object when she's good and ready.

I slept with my blankie until I was ten or so, and I think I turned out OK.

Petel for Babies and Cake for Breakfast

Q: My husband gives my baby "petel" (concentrated fruit-flavored syrup mixed with water to make "bug juice") when I'm not around. Sarah is only 14 months old. How do I get him to understand that it's not good for her? Now she throws her sippy cup when she discovers it's only water!

A: This is not really a parenting question, it's a marriage question. "My husband's not doing what I want, how do I get him to do what I want him to do/to see things my way?" Of course, in a way it's much simpler than this because it's not just something you want, it's actually what's best for your child. Unfortunately, some dads just don't get it. Or it's more likely that they get it but it's easier if they pretend they don't.

I just asked my husband why a dad would give his baby petel. After the first three answers he refused to give me any more because I was laughing so hard he was afraid I'd hurt myself.

1. They give babies sugar water at the bris. It's authorized by a "baby expert."
2. Babies don't have teeth yet anyway. It's not going to give them cavities.
3. He's probably not giving her real petel. It's probably the healthy kind.

When I raised my eyebrows, he explained:
"There are some brands of petel that list all the vitamins and minerals they have. There's even a picture of a dragon on the bottle that says it has calcium" (so it must be true, right? The marketers of this "sugar water" have the gall to call it "Vitamin-chik!")

OMG, I was rolling on the floor.

Then I asked him why a dad SHOULDN'T give his baby petel.
He said all the sugar would make her hyperactive.

That's the difference between hubby and me. He sees the immediate consequences that he's going to have to deal with: a hyperactive child.

I see the whole forest, not just the individual tree.

• You and I know that Sarah is going to fill up on empty calories and not want to eat real food.
• I'm sure she already has some teeth, and even if she doesn't, she'll get them eventually. Your husband's not going to get up one day and say "Oh, you have teeth now, no more petel."
• Of course, too much sugar causes all kinds of health problems, not just tooth decay.
• But you're already seeing a serious problem here. Addiction. No, she's not seriously addicted like, say, I am to coffee, but she's already refusing to drink water because she knows something tastier is out there. (Even though the "tastiness" of petel is up in the air - who actually likes that disgusting swill? Kids who don't know better, I guess. And for some reason our husbands.)

The real issue here is not convincing your husband that you're right and he's wrong. No matter what research you shove in his face (and I do recommend shoving research in his face if you want this to stop), even if you do convince him to stop giving her petel, it's all about your husband's attitude. He sees things differently than you do for all sorts of reasons. He's a man and you're a woman, he's a dad and you're a mom. When it comes down to it, he's him and you're you.

And that's a good thing. Imagine what your life would be like if you'd married someone exactly like you. You can't imagine it because you never would have married someone exactly like you. We married our husbands because "opposites attract." Of course, we have the important things in common, but we have to differ in some ways or we just wouldn't be able to stand each other!

Anyway, as it is to many questions in marriage as well as in parenting (believe me, it's a theme you'll see repeated here often), the answer to your question is that you have to pick your battles. There are going to be a million things your husband and children do that drive you crazy, and you can't bite their heads off for every one. You have to look at the specific scenario and decide if this one is worth fighting for.

In my house, it would be.

When my Eliana was a baby I told Hubby in no uncertain terms that we were going to raise her on healthy food and she was not to get any junk. As far as I know he stuck to that for the first year. Then at her first birthday party she had chocolate cake with delicious sugary pink icing. To you and me it would be obvious that a birthday is a special occasion and that the next day we would return to life as usual. But my husband got up in the morning and served birthday cake to our 12 month + 1 day-old for her breakfast. "Oh, she's one, I thought she could have cake now," was his response when I asked him what in the world he thought he was doing. I was dumbfounded. But looking back, I shouldn't have been. You can't just assume your husband knows what you're thinking. As obvious as it seems to you, sometimes he needs it spelled out for him.

Hubby grew up on cake for breakfast. I don't know if it was a cultural thing or what, but his parents ate cake for breakfast and they let him eat it too. Sure, I love a good donut in the morning, but I know it's not good for me and it's not a nourishing breakfast that will give my kids (or me, for that matter) the energy and brain power they need to make it through the day. They need protein and healthy, whole grain carbs.

Hubby's response? "What's wrong with cake? It has milk. It has eggs. It has flour. It's a great breakfast!"

Three years later my husband gets it. Or claims to. After it being pounded into his head a bazillion times. Because I decided this was a battle that was worth the fight. But there are plenty of times I just shrug my shoulders and walk away. You have to decide now and every time something like this happens if you're going to fight for what's right or let it go and live to fight another day.

And by the way, when my husband thinks I don't know about it, he still gives the kids cake (or Cocoa Pebbles) for breakfast once in awhile. But I know - I can see it on their faces and smell it on their breath. And I let him know that I know. But I don't admonish him. Just the fact that he knows that I know teaches him that he'd better be careful where he treads because WIFEY KNOWS ALL!

Admitting We're Wrong

I went for a long walk with my kids and my dog today. Ami (2) sat quietly in the stroller while Eliana (4) alternately walked, ran, and skipped beside, in front of or behind me. We talked about many important and philosophical issues that we don't always have the chance to get into during the hustle and bustle of dress-eat-school-home-play-eat-bath-bed on a normal day.

A couple of times as we were walking, our dog growled or barked at other dogs. Then one time a dog passed by and neither paid the other any mind. Eliana asked me why. I said it's probably because this last dog was a girl. The other dogs were boys. Boys like to fight. This was a simplification of the fact that male dogs are territorial. But then I continued with something like, "Did you ever notice that in your school the boys fight more than the girls do?"

Eliana responded "Sarah and Shelly once had a fight at school, but then Shelly wanted to say she was sorry."

Immediately I realized I had made a faux pas. I had perpetuated a gender stereotype, which I am usually very careful not to do. Without a moment's hesitation, I took it back. I said "You know what, you're right Eliana. Maybe boys don't like to fight more than girls do. Sometimes boys fight and sometimes girls fight." And I left it at that.


Everyone makes mistakes. As parents, sometimes our instinct is to defend ourselves as the all-knowing beings our children believe us to be. But I think it's more important to admit to them that we're not perfect and we don't know everything. How else are they going to learn that it's OK to not be perfect and to not know everything? It's more important that we teach them a thirst for learning and for finding out the truth. Spend time with your child reading books, going to museums and exploring the internet. Show them how much fun it is to learn new things, and how many new things there are to learn.

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten

Before I went back to work, I used to nap every day. And oh, how I loved my naps. Now that I'm working three (paid) jobs - that doesn't include raising my family, maintaining my household, and oh yeah, this blog - I only have time to nap on the weekends.

When I got home from a long and harrowing excursion with my kids this evening (past their bedtime, mind you), I practically flung them up the stairs for Hubby to deal with. Then I seriously considered taking a nap before sitting down to work. This poster that was hung up in my high school came to mind.


I loved it then and I love it now. There is so much truth to this (an excerpt from Robert Fulghum's book, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten), that it literally brings tears to my eyes.

I know the font on the poster is too small to read, so here it is, in all its humble glory:

All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School. These are the things I learned:

Share everything.

Play fair.

Don't hit people.

Put things back where you found them.

Clean up your own mess.

Don't take things that aren't yours.

Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.

Wash your hands before you eat.

Flush.

Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.

Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.

Take a nap every afternoon.

When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.

Be aware of wonder.
Remember the little seed in the styrofoam cup:
The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.

Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.

And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere.
The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation.
Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.

Take any of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or your government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm.

Think what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had a basic policy to always put thing back where they found them and to clean up their own mess.

And it is still true, no matter how old you are - when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

See how important napping is? It's in there twice!

Every Kid Needs a Dog

I don't expect this kind of crossover will happen often, but I wrote this blog post for another blog I contribute to, Baby Things I Want, and I figured hey, this is some good, constructive parenting advice. :) So I'm posting it here too.

I highly highly highly recommend you get your kids a dog. I think every child should grow up with a dog. I only had one till I was about two years old. I don't really remember her but I see in photographs and old home movies how happy I was to have her around.



We got Coby about a year and a half before Eliana was born. He's a mixed breed. Part German Shepherd, part kitten, we always say. We're not sure he realizes he's a dog. If I sit on the floor he tries to curl up in my lap. He has no idea he weighs almost as much as I do. He'd sleep all day in a patch of sunlight by the window if you'd let him.

Before I had kids, a baby was visiting at our house one day. The baby was napping on my bed, and when he started to cry, Coby charged at me and started barking (Coby NEVER barks) as if to say "The baby's crying! Do something!"



Coby is the gentlest creature. He lets the kids climb all over him and use him as a pillow or a couch. One rainy day we covered him with stickers, and call me evil, but once we even polished his nails (blue, of course. After all, he is a boy). We love to dress him up in costumes too. Sometimes for Purim but sometimes just for the heck of it. And you've gotta see this video of Eliana, age 9 months, trying to pull his ear off.



Dogs are great for kids. Growing up with a dog (or other furry pet) helps boosts your child's immune system and therefore s/he is less likely to develop allergies. It's also so important for kids to not be afraid of dogs. I feel bad for kids who are afraid of dogs - they miss out on so much. I feel worse for the kids whose parents perpetuated their own fear of dogs onto them. We had very sweet neighbors when my kids were younger, and they never let their kids come over once to play because they were terrified of dogs. I tried to explain to them that Coby's really more like a cat, but that was a no-go - they were also afraid of cats!

Coby has actually cured more kids than I can count (and a few parents) of their fear of dogs. Just about two weeks ago a little boy came over to play. He was hiding behind his mother's legs when they walked in, but two hours later he was sitting on the floor, stroking Coby lovingly and complaining that he didn't want to go home.

Coby is a great babysitter. He keeps the kids busy and distracts them so grownups can get things done. And all he charges is a belly rub! We bring him to synagogue every week and tie him up outside. The parents thank us because their kids sit outside with Coby and they are free to sit in the sanctuary and pray (or socialize).

Studies show that kids learn empathy and compassion from having a dog, although mine have mostly learned how to protect their food. Anytime Eliana eats anything she asks "Does Coby like (fill in the blank)?" "Does Coby like macaroni and cheese?" "Does Coby like potato chips?" "Does Coby like green beans?" Kids also get used to a healthy lifestyle by participating in daily walks when they have a dog. Rain or shine, Coby has to be walked. There's no sitting around on our bums all day.

As my kids get older, they will also learn their share of responsibility from taking care of Coby. They already love to fill his food and water bowls and help me hold the leash when we walk him. And they know that when we go away we have to think ahead and find accommodations for Coby. Having a dog prepares kids for going out into the real world and fulfilling their obligations. It can also teach them lessons in cause and effect: Yesterday when we were out, Coby ate a whole bag of sugar off the counter. When we woke up this morning, there was vomit all over the floor. Ask my kids and they will tell you that too much sugar makes you throw up!



It's important to do your research before you get a dog. Rescue one from an animal shelter rather than buying a puppy mill puppy from a pet store. Purebreds are pretty, but mutts are actually smarter and much healthier because they don't have genetic diseases from all that inbreeding. Puppies are cute but they're a lot of work. Coby was 9 months old when we got him and he was fully trained (not to have accidents in the house. He doesn't do much other than that.) I like big dogs because they don't yap incessantly like some small dogs do. (There are plenty of big dogs that bark, but a deep bark is nowhere near as annoying as incessant yapping.) Big dogs have bigger bladders, too, which means you have to walk them less frequently. Some breeds are better than others with children. Coby is a Shepherd in the truest sense of the word; my children are his sheep.

A couple of last words of advice: Know what you're getting into before you take your dog home. There's nothing sadder for a child or for a dog than giving up after a couple of weeks and taking your puppy back to the pound.

And please get your dog spayed or neutered. Not only to help control the pet population. If your dog is not neutered by the time he hits puberty (around age one), chances are he'll start being aggressive with other animals. You can prevent this by neutering him when he's young, but if you wait, nothing can be done. We learned this the hard way. (What can I say? No dog is perfect. Not even Coby the Wonderdog.)