Keeping Our Children Safe in a Scary World

Since the horrific murder of 8-year-old Leiby Kletzky in Brooklyn last week, a lot of us parents can't stop wondering whether our children are safe and what we can do to keep them from being harmed.

There are a few simple but incredibly crucial things you can - and must - do to keep your children safe. Watching them like a hawk and not letting them go out on their own are not one the list.

The single most important thing every parent must do is have an open relationship with his or her child. Maintain a dialogue with your kids about their daily lives and make sure they feel they can tell you anything. This is not something you can do overnight, especially if you haven't been the type to share with your kids in the past. But you need to express an interest in what's going on in their lives and let them know that they can always come to you - even (especially) if they've done something wrong or think the information will be upsetting to you. If you have this kind of relationship with your child, he or she will feel comfortable asking you questions and bringing up uncomfortable situations.

In addition to fostering an open relationship in which your children know they can tell you anything, there are three messages you MUST get across to your children in order to protect them:

1. There is never a circumstance where an adult can tell you to keep a secret from your parents. If anyone ever tells you "don't tell your mommy and daddy," come tell me about it right away!

2. Your body is your own. Just like a person can't come grab a cookie out of your hand, NO ONE can touch your private parts. (Be clear: These are the parts of your body that your bathing suit covers.)

Be specific about who may and may not touch your children. Don't say "it's ok for relatives and friends." Unfortunately, most cases of sexual abuse are perpetrated by people the child already knows. Tell your child that only Mommy and Daddy can touch his private parts when bathing and dressing him and his doctor when examining him.

3. It's ok to say "no" - even to an adult. If something makes your child feel uncomfortable, there's probably a reason for it. Empower your child and let him know that just because someone is an adult doesn't mean they can touch him or speak to him in a way that makes him feel uncomfortable. Kids have good instincts. They can tell when something feels wrong, but they don't always realize they have a say in the matter.

There are three things you should know about the molestation / kidnapping / murder of children.

1. These crimes are incredibly uncommon. I mean, the chances of one of these things happening to your child are miniscule. We freak out when a big case like Leiby Kletzky's hits the newsstands, but it is extremely extremely rare for these kinds of things to happen. I'm sure that's no comfort to Leiby's family but I'm hoping it will help you.

2. Most of these cases occur when children are unsupervised, especially during the summer months when they're just "hanging out" and have no structure or schedule. So for goodness' sake, send your kids to camp, to their grandparents, to a neighbor, or to a babysitter, but don't let them wander around and get bored!

3. The vast majority of these cases occur to children who are naïve and whose parents never warned them about "stranger danger." They feel they can trust an adult and go with him in his car even though they don't know him. It's an uncomfortable topic to talk about with your children, and please don't go into the details of what happened to Leiby. But do talk to them about the points mentioned above and that they should never, ever get into a car with a stranger, no matter what he says or what he offers them. If they get lost they should call you or find a police officer or go back to the last place they saw you, but by no means should they go with any old adult who offers them a hand.

Finally, here are some things you DON'T want to do. Don't decide to take away their freedom. Do not doubt yourself or your children. And do not scare your kids! The last thing you want is to give your children the idea that the world is an unsafe, scary place. If our children are afraid to go out into the world and see every stranger on the street as a threat, what kind of world are we raising them in? We need to instill confidence in them - confidence in themselves and their capabilities as well as confidence that the world around them is an intrinsically good place - albeit with a few not-so-good people living in it.

Don't start changing the rules on them. If you let your children walk home from school by themselves, don't decide it's too dangerous and insist on driving them from now on. If you were about to let your child ride his bike to a friend's house for the first time, don't question your judgment and tell him he's not old enough after all. Remember, and remind your children, that the "bad guys" are one in a million. Make sure your kids are equipped with the knowledge they need to be safe and protect themselves, and with the confidence that they can do it on their own. (Don't show them you're anxious because they'll detect your anxiety and lose their self-confidence.) It's perfectly acceptable to ask your child to call you when he gets to his friend's house. But let him ride there alone - he's going to have to step out of the nest sometime.

When we feel helpless, our instinct is to be overly cautious and protective of our loved ones. As LA child therapist Miven Trageser says, this works well for belongings but not so well for people. Psychologically speaking, people are actually less safe locked away and protected all the time. Children need to learn and grow, and necessary to this is letting them venture out on their own and learn to be autonomous. One day our children are going to have to grow up. And if we make them wait to experience real life until they're actually grown up, they will not be prepared to live in the real world.

So yes, be afraid. You wouldn't be a good parent if you were completely unphased when something like this happens. But instead of trying to keep them "safe" from reality, talk to your children, prepare them for life, make sure they know how to stay safe and what to do if they feel unsafe. And then watch them take a step into their futures.

Sources:

Horowitz, Yakov. "Speaking to Your Kids about Personal Safety."
http://www.yideotube.com/content/speaking-your-kids-about-personal-safety

Trageser, Miven. "Leiby Kletzky's death shouldn’t make us fearful parents: Let yours roam free."
http://www.nydailynews.com/opinions/2011/07/17/2011-07-17_ill_still_let_my_kids_walk_home_alone.html

Who's Been Sleeping in My Bed?

Q: My kids refuse to sleep in their beds. How can I get them out of mine?


A: Co-sleeping is a heated topic, and there's no right or wrong - only what's right or wrong for your family. If no one's getting any sleep, if it's causing discord between Mom and Dad, or if for whatever reason you want your kids out of your bed, then it's not working for your family. If that's the case, consistency is the key to getting your kids out of your bed for good.

First of all, tell them in no uncertain terms that sleeping in Mommy and Daddy's bed is not happening anymore. You love them very much. Don't follow this with a "but." The "B" word negates the entire first half of the sentence - any time you use it. Tell your kids they're big boys and girls. They are to sleep in their beds, you will sleep in your bed, and you'll spend lots of time together during daylight hours. Nighttime is not for spending time together - it's for sleeping.

Do they have a fear of something in particular? If so, address it. Do they need a nightlight? Do they need the door left open a crack? Do they need you to yell, "Monsters, monsters, stay away!" into the closet and check under the bed for the boogeyman before you leave? These are all acceptable ways to resolve children's fears. (Don't tell your kids that there's no such thing as monsters. They're not going to believe you, they're just going to think you're not on their side. Instead, come up with a way to keep the monsters away.)

Maybe your kids feel that they're not getting to spend enough quality time with you during the day and are trying to make up for it at night. If this is the case you're going to have to make more time for them. This can just be an extra 15 minutes a day. Fifteen minutes amounts to a few extra stories, a quick arts and crafts project, or a game of catch. It's quality here, not quantity. These few minutes can make a huge difference in your relationship with your kids. I highly recommend finding the time, even if your kids don't have sleep problems or security issues!

Once all underlying issues have been addressed, this is what you need to do:

Let's say your kids go to sleep fine in their own beds, but creep into your bed in the middle of the night.


I know you're tired and it's easier to just scootch over and let them in, but if you ever want this to stop, you need to get up and take them back to their beds. Do this as many times as it takes. It might happen 10 times in one night, but don't give in. If you give in once, they'll learn that all they have to do is keep trying and eventually they'll wear you down. I promise you, if you do it 10 times in one night, the next night (or maybe the night after) it'll only be seven or eight times, and after about a week they won't be coming to your bed anymore. It's just not worth their time and energy if they see it's not going to get them anywhere.

If your kids won't even go to sleep in their own beds and insist on going straight to your room at bedtime, here's what do to:

Put your child to bed in her bed. Sit on the bed with her for a few minutes (quietly - don't get her into another habit like singing her songs or rubbing her back, unless you want to keep doing this every night forever. Which is fine, if you want to do it every night. Just be aware that if you start in with something like this, it will become another routine that your child won't want to let go of). If you pray with your children every night, this is a good time to do it. If your child is the type that falls asleep very quickly, it's fine to sit with her until she falls asleep. If not, choose an amount of time and then say good night and leave the room. Do this every night for a week.


After a week, when you put her to bed, sit on a chair right next to her bed. (Make up an excuse if you have to - your back hurts or there's not enough room for both of you on the bed.) Sit there for a few minutes for several nights to a week. Then move the chair a foot or two away from the bed, towards the door. Sit there for a few nights. Continue moving the chair until it's outside the bedroom door.

You did it! You're free!

P.S. It's perfectly OK to reinforce good nights slept in their own beds with stickers on a sticker chart in the morning if you know this will help motivate your kids!

Every Kid Needs a Dog

I don't expect this kind of crossover will happen often, but I wrote this blog post for another blog I contribute to, Baby Things I Want, and I figured hey, this is some good, constructive parenting advice. :) So I'm posting it here too.

I highly highly highly recommend you get your kids a dog. I think every child should grow up with a dog. I only had one till I was about two years old. I don't really remember her but I see in photographs and old home movies how happy I was to have her around.



We got Coby about a year and a half before Eliana was born. He's a mixed breed. Part German Shepherd, part kitten, we always say. We're not sure he realizes he's a dog. If I sit on the floor he tries to curl up in my lap. He has no idea he weighs almost as much as I do. He'd sleep all day in a patch of sunlight by the window if you'd let him.

Before I had kids, a baby was visiting at our house one day. The baby was napping on my bed, and when he started to cry, Coby charged at me and started barking (Coby NEVER barks) as if to say "The baby's crying! Do something!"



Coby is the gentlest creature. He lets the kids climb all over him and use him as a pillow or a couch. One rainy day we covered him with stickers, and call me evil, but once we even polished his nails (blue, of course. After all, he is a boy). We love to dress him up in costumes too. Sometimes for Purim but sometimes just for the heck of it. And you've gotta see this video of Eliana, age 9 months, trying to pull his ear off.



Dogs are great for kids. Growing up with a dog (or other furry pet) helps boosts your child's immune system and therefore s/he is less likely to develop allergies. It's also so important for kids to not be afraid of dogs. I feel bad for kids who are afraid of dogs - they miss out on so much. I feel worse for the kids whose parents perpetuated their own fear of dogs onto them. We had very sweet neighbors when my kids were younger, and they never let their kids come over once to play because they were terrified of dogs. I tried to explain to them that Coby's really more like a cat, but that was a no-go - they were also afraid of cats!

Coby has actually cured more kids than I can count (and a few parents) of their fear of dogs. Just about two weeks ago a little boy came over to play. He was hiding behind his mother's legs when they walked in, but two hours later he was sitting on the floor, stroking Coby lovingly and complaining that he didn't want to go home.

Coby is a great babysitter. He keeps the kids busy and distracts them so grownups can get things done. And all he charges is a belly rub! We bring him to synagogue every week and tie him up outside. The parents thank us because their kids sit outside with Coby and they are free to sit in the sanctuary and pray (or socialize).

Studies show that kids learn empathy and compassion from having a dog, although mine have mostly learned how to protect their food. Anytime Eliana eats anything she asks "Does Coby like (fill in the blank)?" "Does Coby like macaroni and cheese?" "Does Coby like potato chips?" "Does Coby like green beans?" Kids also get used to a healthy lifestyle by participating in daily walks when they have a dog. Rain or shine, Coby has to be walked. There's no sitting around on our bums all day.

As my kids get older, they will also learn their share of responsibility from taking care of Coby. They already love to fill his food and water bowls and help me hold the leash when we walk him. And they know that when we go away we have to think ahead and find accommodations for Coby. Having a dog prepares kids for going out into the real world and fulfilling their obligations. It can also teach them lessons in cause and effect: Yesterday when we were out, Coby ate a whole bag of sugar off the counter. When we woke up this morning, there was vomit all over the floor. Ask my kids and they will tell you that too much sugar makes you throw up!



It's important to do your research before you get a dog. Rescue one from an animal shelter rather than buying a puppy mill puppy from a pet store. Purebreds are pretty, but mutts are actually smarter and much healthier because they don't have genetic diseases from all that inbreeding. Puppies are cute but they're a lot of work. Coby was 9 months old when we got him and he was fully trained (not to have accidents in the house. He doesn't do much other than that.) I like big dogs because they don't yap incessantly like some small dogs do. (There are plenty of big dogs that bark, but a deep bark is nowhere near as annoying as incessant yapping.) Big dogs have bigger bladders, too, which means you have to walk them less frequently. Some breeds are better than others with children. Coby is a Shepherd in the truest sense of the word; my children are his sheep.

A couple of last words of advice: Know what you're getting into before you take your dog home. There's nothing sadder for a child or for a dog than giving up after a couple of weeks and taking your puppy back to the pound.

And please get your dog spayed or neutered. Not only to help control the pet population. If your dog is not neutered by the time he hits puberty (around age one), chances are he'll start being aggressive with other animals. You can prevent this by neutering him when he's young, but if you wait, nothing can be done. We learned this the hard way. (What can I say? No dog is perfect. Not even Coby the Wonderdog.)