Liar, Liar, Pants-on-Fire (part 2)

Q: My preschooler has started making up all kinds of stories. From things that happened when he was in school ("There was a clown today." "So-and-so's mommy had a baby" - so embarrassing when I wished so-and-so's family congratulations and they had no idea what I was talking about!) to things that happen at home ("my toys colored on the wall, not me"). Why is he lying and what can I do about it?

A: Preschoolers don't yet have a solid handle on what is true and what is not. They're still trying to grasp it themselves, and they certainly aren't trying to be malicious when they make up stories. There is a fine line for little ones between what they remember happening and what they imagine or wish might have happened, and they are not clear on where that line is drawn.

When your child colors on the wall, try to focus on the real issue - "In this house we only color on paper" - and not on asking how the mess happened. (Asking "Did you color on the wall?" is just inviting your child to say "no, of course not.")

When your child fantasizes about a clown coming to visit his classroom, this is something that really did happen... in his imagination. Engage him in conversation to help activate this imagination, which is a great tool that is worth developing. But steer him in the direction of "wouldn't it be nice if a clown came to school? What would you like to see a clown do? Who else would it be fun to have visit you at school?" so that he starts to be able to differentiate between fact and fiction.

Telling "what if" stories is great for exercising imagination and it's also a great way to spend quality time with your preschooler. You can even branch out into playing a fact-or-fiction game with him. Tell him two things that "happened" to you today and have him guess which one is real and which one is pretend. Then have him tell you two things that "happened" to him.

Don't worry that your preschooler is lying to you. He's just trying to figure out what's what in this big, confusing world of ours. Talking to him and playing with him can help him understand not only the difference between fact and fiction, but also appropriate ways to interact with others (i.e. telling the truth).

Liar, Liar, Pants-on-Fire (part 1)

Q: My 4-year-old has just started lying. If we ask him if he did something he will say "no," even when it is obvious to all that he did it. (Eg. peeling paint off our porch in a destructive manner.) How do I deal with this?

A: Never ask a child a question you know the answer to. You're opening up an invitation to him to lie to you. If you already know the answer, you don't need to ask the question. Asking the question makes him think that you don't know the answer. He is going to try to get out of getting in trouble by feigning innocence. Don't give him this opportunity. Instead, deal with the actual issue - the destructive act.

Instead of asking him "Did you peel the paint off the porch," tell your son that we don't destroy property. It's not allowed. And if we have destroyed property, we have to help fix it. Include him in the solution. Show him that there are ramifications to his actions and that it's not worth his while to destroy property because there will be a consequence - he will have to fix it.

For an everyday example, instead of asking a child "Did you brush your teeth" when you already know he didn't, you can say something more constructive like "It's time to brush your teeth." This way the real issue - the tooth-brushing - gets addressed and there is no opportunity for your child to lie. Lying just takes the focus off the actual issue - brushing his teeth - and starts up a whole new conversation, further delaying bed time.

Lying can (and will) be addressed another time. For now, instead of giving your child that opening to start a conversation about lying (when, let's face it, all you want is for him to get into bed), bypass the lying issue completely by dealing with the real issue and not asking questions you already know the answer to.